Time Warp
by Baphrosia
Summary: "Yo, Lestat, I think you missed your century." Tony and his buddies head to Sunnydale the summer after S2, and encounter some old-fashioned vampires. Things don't turn out so well for them.


A fill for Round Three of **buffy_genfic**. The focus for this round was vampires and 'water cooler gossip'.

 **Recipient/prompt:** **mierke**  
Three elements you'd like included: Coffins, some modern vamps laughing at old-fashioned ones, underground parking.  
Two things you don't want: Angelus (mentions are okay).  
 **Warnings:** None  
 **Setting:** The summer between S2 and S3  
 **Betas:** **foxstarreh**  
 **Notes:** I intended to write a _West Side Story-_ esque rumble, but the vampires involved didn't agree with me...

* * *

Time Warp

.

.

"I still don't think this is a good idea, man. Sunnydale's the stomping grounds for those Aurelius creeps. Not to mention the Slayer."

"Quit being such a baby, Tony. Spike 'n Angelus ran them out of town months ago. Slayer too, way I heard it."

"Nah," Moose countered. "You got it wrong, Jake. The Slayer did for Spike 'n Angelus, but then that crazy chick Spike ran with, what's her name? She went all batshit and offed the Slayer, then ran off to Brazil and took up with a chaos demon."

Moose had climbed the ladder to the manhole cover, and now he shoved it aside. After scanning the ground above for dangers and finding none, he hauled himself up and motioned for the others to follow.

"Gross," Jake said, climbing up himself with Tony at his heels. "I mean, we're evil, but we still have standards, you know? All that slime..."

The three vamps shuddered.

"I say good riddance," Tony said. He waited for the girls to clamber into the underground parking lot too, then kicked the cover back into place. It wobbled and clanged, the sound echoing through the garage. After they'd passed several rows of cars and the ringing had died down, he said, "I met her once, a decade or so ago. Thought she was hot, you know, so I let her take me back to her lair. We was having a real good time – until she tried to burn my nuts off with goddamn holy water."

Moose laughed. "You mean she was able to find those itty bitty peanuts?"

"Shut up," Tony growled, and looked behind to see if either of the girls had heard. Kittie and Marie were still engrossed in their argument over who would be tastier – Jennifer Lopez, or Matt Damon. "And anyway, she was one of those Aurelius wackos too, wasn't she? All spouting shit about bringing on the end of days and going back to the old ways."

Jake and Moose shrugged.

"Hate those guys!" Tony said. "I mean, hello, almost the twenty-first century here. All that ritual shit is so lame. I just wanna have fun. Kill some people, you know? Rip their throats out. Steal their wallets. Uh... piss on their corpses!"

"Yeah, you're real evil," Moose said.

"At least I don't still dress like the... the... Knights of the Round Table!"

Jake rolled his eyes. "Dude, Victorians, not Arthurains."

"I don't think Victorians had frilly lace cuffs and shit either," Tony said. He pulled up short. "Like that guy. Check it out."

Jake and Moose turned in the direction of Tony's outstretched finger to take in the sight of a lone vamp in frilly lace cuffs and tight-ass pants wandering down a row of parked cars, muttering to himself. The vampire looked to be in his late twenties, but his clothes pegged him as far older.

Kittie and Marie paused their argument to see what had caught the boy's attention.

"Whoa, check out the time warp," Kittie said. "Yo, Lestat, I think you missed your century."

"Aw, I think he's kinda cute," Marie said. "Like my grandpa. Before I ate him."

"Your grandpa was as old as Lestat?" Jake said. "I knew you were old, Marie, but..."

Marie skimmed her hand down her torso and over her curves. "A hundred and eighty-three, sweetie, and sweet sixteen forever."

"Yeah, but you don't' dress like some outdated freak," Tony said. "Nobody could tell from your clothes. Bet grandpa there hasn't even changed his in years. Have you, grandpa?" he said in a louder voice. "Dude, you ever heard of a mall? Check it out – just up those stairs!"

Moose pinched his nose. "Pee-you, you ain't kidding. Don't think he's heard of indoor plumbing either."

The vampire momentarily paused his muttering to consider them with cold, narrowed eyes, but otherwise ignored them.

"Maybe we should take him shopping with us," Kittie said. "Could do a whole _Pretty Woman_ make-over with him, be all kinds of fun."

"No way, man." Jake nodded his head at the older vamp. "He looks like he's ready to get tucked into his coffin for the day. We don't want no Aurelian reject slowing us down, anyhow, do we boys?"

The double doors at the far end of the parking garage banged open and another vampire staggered in, a coffin balanced on one shoulder.

"Shit. No way," Jake said. "An actual coffin for the old fella. What the fu–"

"Check out the dude's clothes," Tony crowed, slapping his knees. "Holy shit. Where'd he find that getup, RenFest Is Us?"

"Maybe the coffin's really a TARDIS," Kittie said. The others looked at her. "Hello, _Doctor Who_? Time travel? Would explain the clothes."

Moose cocked his head and examined the newcomer, who was setting the coffin at the other vampire's feet. "I think they're just whacked in the head. Senile old coots who don't know what these big ol' shiny metal boxes are, and figured this underground cave would make a righteous new lai – rulp!"

The female vampire who'd appeared out of nowhere cut Moose off mid-sentence. Moose dangled from her grasp, clawing futilely at her hand.

"What the –" Jake said. He darted toward Moose, only to be knocked to his knees by the vampire who'd moved in behind him, as silent as fog. Marie, Kittie, and Tony were each knocked to the ground as well, their entire group encircled by vampires whose dress was regal, but far from modern.

The vampire squeezed tighter, until Moose exploded in a cloud of dust.

"And I think," she said when the dust settled, "that you peasants ought to start showing some respect for your betters." With a small nod, she indicated the male vampire who had moved to her side. His dress was simple, its period unidentifiable, but he radiated power and cunning. "Bow to your new master."

Face pressed to the ground beneath his captor's boot, Tony whimpered. "I _knew_ coming to Sunnydale was a bad idea, man."

.

.

 _Fin_


End file.
